Monday, February 20, 2012

A Confession

In case you haven't noticed, I've been procrastinating a bit on here. Rambling on about random fangirl stuff. Talking about stuff but not REALLY talking about stuff because, even though the things I'm finding are incredibly helpful, I'm discussing them in a very unorganized was and too early in the process. There is a very simple explanation for this:

I am at war with myself.
One part of me desperately wants to find an easy way of thinking through my senior paper and processing something that's culturally relevant. Another half of me is attempting to solve all my problems by revoking my status as a fangirl and behaving as a mature adult and somehow overcoming this "monster" that is growing inside of me and accepting that I need to get my head out of the clouds and accept reality. Another part of me just wants to talk about how awesome British actors are until I'm blue in the face and scared off everyone I know by my obsessing. Another part of me, the really scary impossible to argue with (or get to shut up) part is the one that screams "ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!" and tells me not to limit my imagination, not to leave Wonderland because real life CAN BE Wonderland, to believe that I am the exception, not the rule (no matter how high the odds are stacked against me). It is the side that believes that, hey, maybe I could become famous or maybe I could write the next American classic or maybe I really will marry my favorite actor or maybe...

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. It's the most dangerous word I know.

 "Daydreams were dangerous because they made her wish for things she could never have.”
Julie Garwood, Ransom

Thus, everything I've tried as far as making this blog clear and understandable has failed. My position on fangirls is not at all clear because I both love being a fangirl and hate it. I want to talk about my favorite actors and simultaneously never speak of them again. I want my daydreams to be real and yet I want to shut them out so I can move on and accept that they will never happen... and yet I don't want to give in to a life described to me as mundane and pinch off the reaches of my imagination. I am attempting to battle against my own mind and it is failing.
So, it is now I confess that fangirling is not so easily controlled, examined, written about. I cannot change who I am or what I've become just to try to make myself sound like a mature, self-reflecting writer. I cannot keep giving into whims of wanting to be academic one moment then creating a gushing fan blog the next. I don't know how to deal with trying to be a writer with high aims and saying that we shouldn't idolize actors in such a way that it makes them uncomfortable and makes us seem crazy, even though I'm beginning to do that. And then at the end of the day, all I really want to do is stop worrying about school and work and life, curl up with a book and cup of tea and write a letter to Benedict Cumberbatch to tell him how much I appreciate him.

Regardless, this makes this whole blog writing thing a lot more complex. But probably a lot more interesting. I'm just gonna roll with this and write as it comes and we'll see where we go from there. Yahoo!

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