Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Nice Guy Finishing Last

http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/wp-content/uploads//NiceGuy2.jpg
I guess to begin with, we'll start in the everyday world of a heterosexual man. Why? Because that's where lots of things start. Lots of things people like to criticize. But this is self-flexing and critical and not going to make any friends anyway (I mean, c'mon, I'm out here critiquing fangirls; it's like I want to get smacked in the face). And this is not your stereotypical, heterosexual male. It's... well, this guy, writing into Dr. Date in the Minnesota Daily:
Dear Dr. Date,
                Long story short, I don’t have a girlfriend and have never been kissed. To top it all off, I’m losing hope. FAST.
                Over the years, I’ve had friends (girls) point out to me that they wished their boyfriends would care about them as much as I did. They’ve told me I’m a nice guy, that I’m funny, charmingly witty and quietly passionate and so on. I’ve been told that I’m extremely smart, and my grades reflect that. And whether it is helping a friend with psychology when I don’t even take psychology or making time to help someone I just met, I’m there.
                (I rate myself as a high 5-out-of-10, but I’m really tall and skinny.)
                Given all these so-called “desired” traits, why do I feel like nobody is interested in me because of the way I look? Do you think there are really women out there who actually can love you even though you aren’t the best looking guy around? Are there girls out there who feel this way too?
Nice Guy Finishing Last In Love?

And the response:
Nice Guy,
                Life is long, and the world is large. There’s someone out there for everyone. Just think about the last time you were in a giant lecture and there were two acne-crusted freshmen holding hands under the parka they were using as a blanket.
                But you gotta drop the ‘tude, man.
                Why are you giving me this résumé of your qualifications as a man?
                Great girls go for terrible guys; great guys go for terrible girls. There’s no formulaic trump card.
                Just get yourself into a Zen mood and go with the flow.
                Someday you’ll find a girl who’s into a guy obsessed with taking inventory of his “desired” traits.
Dr. Date

Okay, okay, so Dr. Date isn't always the gentlest of responders. Sometimes, he's a bit harsh. But sometimes, sometimes he speaks to greater possibilities than he states. For instance, when I first saw this, I felt for "nice guy." I'm in his situation in some ways - I don't have a boyfriend, have never had a boyfriend, and have never been kissed. For a moment, I was half-tempted to write into the Daily myself and tell Dr. Date to set us up. And then I realized that I couldn't, shouldn't, and wouldn't. Namely because of these three reasons:
  1. 1) Dr. Date is right - making a resume of your qualifications is too "in your face." If this guy is like this in an anonymous letter, what's he like in person? He comes off as a bit desperate, and that's off-setting.
  2. 2) I don't do blind dating. I've hardly done dating in general, so blind dating is a big "no." Mainly because all I know about him is what he says he is: nice, charming, etc. I went out on a date with someone like this once - who thought he was a totally nice guy. But I'd asked him out and he never showed any further interest in going a first date and discovered he was just bad with girls in general. Therefore, I'm kind of in the place of waiting for guys to show interest. But really this is all caught up in point three which is:
  3. 3) I know what I'm looking for and I'm not going to take any risk unless I am certain it's worth it. I'd rather date only once than waste a lot of my time with guys who I don't even like. I've realized a big factor in all of this is maturity - I've only actually fell for a guy in my own age range a few times because I'm always looking for someone more mature - and thus older. I don't want to risk getting my heart broken in a dating climate I don't understand. 
I bring this up because point #3 is where I want to begin this fangirl thought process (and on of all days, Valentine's Day!). I am sure this guy who's writing in to Dr. Date is a nice, amiable fellow. I am sure he will find a nice girl who care about him and love him. But without knowing him, meeting him, even knowing what he looks like, I can suddenly generate a thousand reasons why I won't take the risk of going out with him. Partially because of my own experiences. Partially because I'm just not comfortable with that kind of thing. Partially because if I really wanted to go out with a guy, I would ask him out (I've done it before, it's awkward but doable; I've just rarely found anyone I actually WANTED to ask out. But that's a tangent). But really, when I saw this article and I started thinking about this, what did I do? I compared this guy - this guy who I know nothing about - to the portrait of the perfect man I have in my head (who, for illustrative - and honest - purposes, I will deem as Benedict Cumberbatch. In other instances, I will refer to John Barrowman, but for now, we'll begin here. God, I owe these two men a thousand apologies. Not to mention Martin Freeman...) The point is, I referred to a mental construct of what I believe myself to be looking for - not an actual person, but a idea. A mental Mr. Darcy, if you will. 


Thus begins our grand adventure - a poor, single man wondering why girls don't date him. Maybe it's because the girls he knows only date jackasses. Maybe he's a jackass. Maybe he's just unfortunate. Or maybe, there's a lot more girls than we think constantly comparing men to Mr. Darcy. To be continued...

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