Sunday, September 23, 2012

I owe the world an apology (again)

I realized that I'd gotten three hundred and some page views yesterday. Having been away from my computer, I was curious as to why (as that's the highest its ever been). It wasn't for good reasons.

I'd once again upset a Tumblr blogger (who will from now on remain nameless). I cannot and will not link to her blog, I cannot pass my opinion - which is only read as judgement - on anything she posts. I've gotten a message of disdain on Tumblr now and there's nothing else for me to do. I'm not going to unlink the posts where she's already been mentioned because she already is aware of them and what would be the point? The best I can do is refrain from mentioning her from here on out and respecting her wishes.

But I can't help from feeling a little (okay, a lot) angry. Yes, I have no right to express judgement on people's actions. But I didn't think that's what I was doing. Perhaps I was blinded by academic ideals and thinking that because I'm doing this in the name of "research" that gives me some sort of clearance. But I never outwardly went out to people's Tumblr blogs and said what I thought. Then again, what difference does it make where I say it? I'm still saying it. And that's the problem.

It doesn't matter how it makes me feel (I could describe it, but what would be the point? It would only make me sound defensive and the last thing I need to do is to start a battle of words on here).  It doesn't matter that I think I'm doing this for good. It doesn't matter that I have some followers who might agree with me. What matters is that one blogger with a lot of standing sees me as a troll with vile thoughts. And maybe I do need to reconsider how I post on here. But it doesn't matter that how she's called me out seems to me - and only to me - far more unkind than how I called her out on my blog; maybe that's how she felt about my references to her and now we're even (though both the worse for it). What does matter is that I am not seen as being part of the fandom and no matter what I say in defense is irrelevant. I don't get "it." I will never get it. And therefore I should just keep my mouth shut.

But I'm not going to. It's the internet. If I can't speak my mind out here, just like fans and everyone else want to, then where am I going to do it? I'm not going to stop just because one person disagrees with me; I've made that mistake far too many times in the past.

Maybe I'm incredibly stupid or incredibly righteous or incredibly misguided. But I AM a fan; what am I supposed to do make this clear? Not ever fan acts the same way but it seems I'm exceedingly unusual and this is troubling. Making statements about other fans is simultaneously making such statements about myself. I'm not "better" than other fans because I don't obsess; I do obsess. I just don't talk about myself as much because A) I figure no one wants to hear about me all the time and B) there's a certain part of me that thinks the more I talk about it, the more obsessive I will become. But this is easily misunderstood, perhaps through my own rhetoric, and maybe this is something I need to work on.

I really shouldn't worry that it is just a few people on Tumblr out of the multitudes that use it who has a problem with me. But I don't know how this could spread. And quite honestly, I don't understand how the public/private nature of Tumblr and I don't WANT to upset people; that isn't my intent at all. I just want to try to understand what's going on out there and I simply am trying to work through it.

I just shouldn't take it personally. But that of course is much easier said than done. I take everything personally; a fault of my character, perhaps. And I'd really prefer to come out here and write and not have to worry about upsetting people all the time. Obviously not everyone is going to agree with me. However, I'd rather to stay on people's good sides as much as possible.

Sorry for the rambling. My nerves are a bit of a wreck right now and I'm terribly fatigued from studying and schoolwork, so this is mostly just word vomit and PR management. We'll be back to regularly scheduled programming soon, albeit with some changes (there's one coming about social justice and Tumblr, I promise) but for now I need to calm down and drink some tea.

5 comments:

  1. I want you to know that you are a truly fantastic person. I know you on and off the web and nothing you say or do can change the fact that I honestly and truly think you are a wonderful person. Sometimes we make mistakes, sometimes we say things that are taken in a way we didn't intend, and sometimes we say things that we just shouldn't have said at all. And that's ok. Because you are a human, we all are humans. You are one of my best friends, and I refuse to let someone (even if it's someone I've never met on the internet) say anything to the contrary. Please know that you don't have to deal with this crap alone! As someone who has been bullied in real life, I don't want to let you get bullied on the internet! If said person doesn't have anything nice to say, then he/she better not say anything at all!

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  2. I agree in entirety with the sentiments expressed by Ashley. I know you as a clever and friendly human being, and when someone who might not have taken the time to look at everything you say on this blog takes offence to you as a person who is a fan and scientific about it at the same time - then you shouldn't let that get to you, because all in all I think your portrayal of fans is overall well-intentioned and fair. So, dear sis, keep up the good work. You'll pull through eventually.

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  3. Thank you greatly, you lovely ladies :D Your support means a lot to me; thank you for being such loyal readers and fantastic friends!

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  4. Even though I don't know you, from what I've read on your blog, I absolutely agree with the two comments above.

    One of my biggest gripes about tumblr (and fandom in general) is the tendency to overreact and bully people who make genuine mistakes. Don't let it get you down because you're honestly one of my favourite people in the Sherlock fandom (Does that sound weird? I hope not.), and I can totally relate to not wanting to actively participate in it.

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    1. Oh, thank you so much! I had no idea I was anyone's favorite anything in the fandom :)

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