Saturday, June 1, 2013

Meta Work

I'm not having an existential crisis after graduating. But I might be having one about blogging.

Unfortunately, the whole Ad Sense failure actually is more of a problem than I thought. I was really hoping to find a way to profit off of this adventure, as selfish as it might make me feel. And as my easiest outlet for it failed, I feel like I've hit a bit of a block. Other options could involve drawing stuff and marketing that way, but considering I can't draw, it's not like I'm going to be selling hedgehog merch any time soon. I guess this means I'm just going to have to get a real job after all. *sighs*

Part of this blogging identity crisis stems not only from the realization that no one is going to magically swoop down and find my blog and think, "Hey, yeah, this girl who says 'things' and 'stuff' a lot and uses way too many gifs of British actors is really great and should write stuff for our publication" or that I'm blissfully going to be able to start my own little paid blogging enterprise, but that I honestly have no idea what this blog looks like as a whole. I was trying to write another one of those "uncontrollable fangirling posts" this week (it was supposed to be today's finished product; clearly that didn't happen) which beautifully collapsed because I can no longer talk about Tom Hiddleston like a rational human being. It's sort of a problem and yet impossible for me to describe without feeling like a total fool - which I am, but more like a fool unable to say something that isn't "asdfhsdfjhdfk" (aka: lots of hand flailing and strange noises).

I feel unable to say anything that makes sense or isn't sort of shallow. I think part of it are my worries that college has left me feeling like I don't think deeply enough and I can't see the world complexly enough unless I have a class to guide me while also feeling like I might be a bit too deep and referring back to theoretical texts too much and alienating people because I tell them that reading Shakespeare isn't hard at all after reading Descartes and Hume (actual words I said over graduating weekend. God help me). But I also think that the Ad Sense rejection got to me and re-awoke the idea that I don't write a serious enough blog or that I'm utterly inappropriate. "Why do I care so much of what Google things about me?" I pondered this week. Well, Google is a big company and well-respected and people really, really want to work for them. And it feels a little bit like biting the hand that feeds, criticizing a platform that allows me to do a very, very incredible thing that I wouldn't be capable of otherwise. I feel sort of bad calling Google evil overlords now (I didn't mean it seriously, I was joking; but your evil checker thing is still kind of creepy) and am once again faced with the uncertainty about how to feel about something that everyone respects but I find lots of issues with (wow, this is a lot like how I feel about Hollywood... Interesting...)

Anyway, I've been thinking too much about blogging, writing, and life, so by now you've probably realized that the opening was just a denial and, yes, I probably am having an existential crisis. Bollocks.
(There it is. The real reason no one can or should take this blog seriously. However, this is a positive in my book; I take things too seriously so I need a space to play around a bit.)

Perhaps what causes me a lot of grief out here and why this blog often feels kind of scrambled and perhaps not "serious" or "mature" is because I write a lot of self-reflective posts like this. I do a lot of meta-commentary on myself because I enjoy it and it helps me account for where I'm coming from and what I'm doing. I like processes and showing my processes. It may be messy, it may not be what's considered "professional," but it's how I work. Maybe this is because I'm one of those people who likes watching film commentaries and behind the scenes footage because it adds to the magic of the film, while others might find it taking it away. I like seeing how things are made and I especially like to do that with my writing. Not that my processing out here is at all magical. Bizarre, maybe. But hopefully the allusion works. I want the construction of stuff out here to be as visible as possible, without compromising privacy for both myself and readers, and without completely creating an artifice of an internet personality while also accepting internet me is not exactly like real-life me (but they're also not as different as I sometimes might think).

Umm... (
Another issue came from doing research about Twitter apps for my internship this week and learning about how many apps can be added to it. Now I understand why on Twitter people specifically follow me because I follow back (for the most part) and why if I don't follow back, they automatically unfollow me in a day or two. There are apps that allow you to keep track of this and optimize for building the biggest social media presence possible. There's something kind of selfish and soulless about this, and I'm rather back about following suite. Not that I don't do it to some extent - I follow well over a thousand people on Twitter and I can't read all of their tweets, but if they're an artist or writer or musician or involved with some really interesting program, I will follow back because I want to support them, even though I'm just another number on their page. I'm at the point where I want to have lots of followers, but I still want to be able to know everyone who's following me. I want to be as personal with them as possible (even though I often fail at reaching out to followers. I sort of suck at internet communication - surprisingly).

I guess I don't know what to do. I trust my audience enough to show my vulnerabilities which I think is good. I need trust out here in order to write to an audience of many of you who I've never met, never seen, and perhaps never spoken with, online or offline. It's not about quantity, it's quality - and you guys are quality readers. I read this great article about blogging that my dad sent me, and I agree with all the things it says. But there's one key thing that it's missing - what makes persistence easier. And for me, it's having readers that want regular posts and updating. I'd like to think I'd keep blogging if I didn't have readers but I know that's not true; it truly keeps me motivated, as I think I've probably gushed about before. But just in case I haven't done so enough - or you're a new follower (and there's a few of you just via the Google thing on the right side of this page alone. Hello new friends!) I'd like to take the opportunity to thank you all. Each and every one of you.

Why does this matter? I need a quote from Emma Watson (in all honesty, I'm beginning to feel like if I'm not quoting Tom Hiddleston these days, I'm quoting Emma Watson. What is my life?). She said this really brilliant, wonderful thing at the MTV movie awards: "I’ve often gotten teased mercilessly, but I found that ultimately if you truly pour your heart into what you believe in — even if it makes you vulnerable — amazing things can and will happen." I feel really, really vulnerable out here blogging but I feel comfortable doing it, which allows me to take risks that maybe I wouldn't otherwise. While I'd like to grow readership, I really don't want to lose this great, supportive space I find myself in. It's a quandary.

Maybe I've been listening to this song too much this week and it's affecting my thinking, but I've been thinking about fame and celebrity as much as I always do and this new song by Lissie has been absolutely stuck in my head:

If I had to choose one thing that represented my current views on fame, this would be it. I don't want want to be famous if I have to be shameless - yes, this. I want to take risks and be vulnerable, but that's not the same thing as being shameless. I don't want to feel judged for what I do and I don't want to feel like I have to be elaborate or over-the-top or obnoxiously arrogant in order to have readership. I guess I don't want to have to make a name for myself when I feel like it's already made - I don't want to have to remake myself or be something I'm not comfortable with. But at the same time, I often think in terms of, "Will this post be popular? Will it attract internet attention? Will it garner a lot of hits?" Often I end up ignoring those initial thoughts and focus more on what I want to write and what I think many of you readers might be interested in. But it's tough. I want to be famous and I don't want to be famous. I think I've said this several times before but I'm going to keep saying this. Celebrity culture and its affects on society are super interesting (and let me tell you, working in the education department of a theater makes this abundantly clear).

(Also, if you're interested in seeing someone look at the lyrics of "Shameless" in comparison to internet fame, check this page out. I happened to stumble upon it while looking for that great pic about fame and street cred. The post is wonderful and really worth a read.)
The TL;DR of this all is I'm sort of stuck in a rut and I don't know what to do about it. I want to be more active with my blogging - I keep saying all these things that I want to do, but I don't really feel like I'm doing them or are in a stable position to be able to do them. And once again I feel like I don't know what I'm doing with this blog. We were talking about characters and getting what they want in the acting class I'm taking (damn, I should have written about that instead of this long, rambling madness) and I feel like this blog is a character without motivation. I mean, I am motivated - I love all you dear readers greatly and I love writing out here. But I was also hoping for it to lead to something more, even it if it was just the secret longing to make a few bucks off of ads on here. I constantly and recklessly envision myself doing something great with this thing. Maybe it's time I once and for all define what greatness is by terms I feel comfortable with, not by what some people have chosen as gauges of it elsewhere. But it's hard when people continue to get that worried look in their eye when you talk about working a minimum wage job after college and that you have no idea where your fall rent is going to come from. Thank God my parents and their friends and my friends are supportive and understanding and don't think little of me for not knowing what I'm doing with my life; if I didn't have that I'd be having a much more serious patch of worry than I am currently.

Perhaps it matters less to me about having lots of people knowing my name, but who knows it (hmm, and there I go indirectly quoting a Goo Goo Dolls song. Nice). Where exactly this leaves me, who knows. As always, this blog is a work in progress. Because if it was ever finished, would it really be blogging? It implies a sense of continuation, an ongoing endeavor, and I like that.

And to wrap up things here in a very messy post, I'd like to pose an inquiry about guest blogging. I'm thinking about looking for other sites to guest blog myself (one of which I was recommended to read called Three Chic Geeks and I love it very much) but I was thinking about adding guest blogging on here. I know many of you are writers - so would there be any takers? If you like this idea or would be interested, please let me know! And then I'll figure out a way to add on contributors or something. I'd like to be able to talk about more things on here and, really, I'm not the authority on much of... well, anything. So if you're even the faintest bit interested, drop me a comment or an email :)

Finally, thank you for dealing with the word vomit. I feel much better for it and maybe I can finally get to a month where I don't need a whole bunch of self-reflection in order to spit out posts. But I sort of doubt it :P
How relevant. Internet memes for the win.  (

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