Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Sensitivity (and a Real Neat Blog Award)

It occurs to me as I grow older that I am, in fact, a rather sensitive person. This isn't really all that much of a surprise. I cried a lot as a kid. I don't usually like violence in film or television (with the rather strong exceptions of Quentin Tarantino films, Shakespeare, murder mysteries, and anything involving superheroes). I took a sensitivity quiz and, on a scoring that 14 means you are very sensitive, I scored 21. My coworker recently joked when I injured myself at work that it's a marvel that natural selection hasn't weeded me out. This has taken on a different meaning in my head upon realizing due to some strong emotional reactions I've had in the last week that it's lucky that I've emotionally made it this far.

I haven't stayed consistently sensitive. I was a bit of a harder, cooler person in high school and held onto some of that through college. But here recently I've really let that slip away. Maybe it's the relief that I don't have to work retail anymore. Maybe it's feeling really, really comfortable with who I am and what I'm doing and where I'm doing it all. However, I'm worried that I might be slipping too far and getting too soft, too sugary, letting my inner Hufflepuff run rampant and not remembering that if I am not at least a little Slytherin and Ravenclaw that I will utterly be taken advantage of. Or I'll be too emotionally exhausted to do much of anything.

http://static.comicvine.com/
It's a hard balance to achieve. I like being sensitive. I like being able to gauge the emotional quality of a room just by feeling it (which in theatre is kind of nifty when it comes to sensing how an audience is reacting). I like being a little different, that people see me as kindly and good-natured and maybe a little to nice to be totally sane. I don't like that it makes it easy for people to get a rise out of me or manipulate me or make me look foolish. I've become somewhat like the walking embodiment of Bubbles from The Powderpuff Girls. I don't know how this happened but it's simultaneously great and terrible.

That's not to say I'm always nice or sweet, innocent soul. I hold grudges. I have a sharp tongue and a strong sense of sarcasm. I'm impulsive and a bit cynical and don't always think things through before jumping in and doing them. There's a bit of a know-it-all and a notorious schemer on some level. Some days, I think I'm just a complex human individual. Other days, I just feel like a mess.

Things have been a bit messy mentally the last few days but admitting that helps. Being human is messy. We're complex and our traits our not as easily elucidated as the Sorting Hat makes them. I embrace my sensitivity, but I can't let it limit me or overpower me. I'm far more than that.

Aside from that bit of pensive self-thinking, I have recently been nominated for a Real Neat Blog Award by the wonderful Anna over at Just Rise Above It. I'm supposed to nominate other blogs but sadly I don't read many other blogs these days because I am busy but mostly incredibly lame. However, I will repost the "rules" upon getting the nomination and answer the questions asked of me.

Hey, look, awards logo.
Rules:
  1. Put the award logo on your blog.
  2. Answer 7 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
  3. Thank the people who nominated you, linking to their blogs.
  4. Nominate any number of bloggers you like, linking to their blogs.
  5. Let them know you nominated them (by commenting on their blog etc.)
And here are my answers to Anna's questions:

1) Where do most visits to your blog come from?
Mostly the United States. However, here recently, they've all been from Russia.

2) What are your creative pursuits, besides blogging?
Writing, researching as a dramaturg, watching theater, endeavoring to be a playwright, resurrecting my flute playing and then injuring my finger, getting stitches, and being unable to play flute for at least ten days. And reading. I think reading counts as creativity - you visualize all these different places and people in your head, after all.

3) What is your favourite quote?
One I've got the shortened version of tattooed to my arm: "It's a most distressing affliction to have a sentimental heart and a skeptical mind" from the novel Sugar Street. Though I also love this one from Oscar Wilde: "It takes a great deal of courage to see the world in all its tainted glory, and still love it." And this one from F Scott Fitzgerald: "Writers aren't people exactly. Or, if they're any good, they're a whole lot of people trying so hard to be one person."

4) How do attempt to stay healthy, in whatever form you take ‘healthy’ to mean?

 As much sleep as possible, lots of water, eating various forms of edible things that people generally claim are nutritious. I like running and doing yoga, but if I'm off mentally, I won't feel physically well either. So I try not to worry about weight and diet too strictly. I don't like being too strict with myself food-wise as I did that for two years in college and was terribly miserable. Healthy for me focuses a lot on personal relationships as well and if I'm not feeling right with friends or family, then I'm not feeling healthy either.

5) What do people not expect about you?
My tattoos. People are always surprised that I have any at all, let alone four. Having tattoos then causes a lot of assumptions (which segues nicely to the discussion I had above about being sensitive and yet not) which I think is interesting and yet troubling. But yeah, the tattoos.

6) Anything you wished you had learnt sooner?
Hey, eighteen year old me - remember when you were totally terrified you were going to never ever be kissed or be found attractive by a human male? Yeah, shut the hell up, relax, and live a little. You're going to be fine. 

7) Share one of your current favourite recipes with us!
I made a variation on this herbed gnocchi recipe last Thanksgiving and loved it. I swapped out the thyme for sage and added prosciutto and it was amazing. 10/10, would recommend.